This is a guest post by Kristin Ellis.

The Internet is widely regarded as one of the greatest inventions ever, ranking near the top of the list with the wheel, Taco Bell, and contraception. It is a vast meeting place for forward-thinking people to share personal experiences and useful knowledge. However, since it is a worldwide multi-user database, it is inevitably full of idiots whose goal in life seems to be broadcasting their most outlandishly stupid (and quite frankly, hilarious) cogitations for the viewing pleasure of the world.

One of the most popular and most famous places for this species of Internet contributor to gather is Craigslist. Homage has been paid to the site by numerous sources, including the national news (with stories of the Craigslist Killer and the random babies for sale) and Weird Al Yankovic, who penned and sang this parody.

One day, out of sheer boredom, I turned away from the generic FML and TFLN postings in order to find a more specific breed of idiot. I accomplished this by searching Birmingham’s own Craigslist, and the idea was born to share the best, most hilarious, and most ridiculous of what I found with the general public. I’ve saved you the trouble of sifting through the “legitimate” ads to find the funny stuff, so here it is : The Best of Birmingham’s Craigslist for the month of July.

I realize it’s 9 days late, but I just got the idea 3 days ago. Cut me some slack.

1. Best Pick-Up Line

“You want to get some coffee or makeout to a Wes Anderson DVD or something? Hit me up.”

This one comes from the missed connections section, courtesy of some guy eating at the Papa John’s near UAB who is apparently a true-blue believer in “Stuff White People Like”.

For those of you who are not Craigslist savvy, “Missed connections” means you can take an outside shot at anonymously finding that bowlegged hottie in Crocs and a Speedo that you saw at the local Wal-Mart… on the 1/1,000,000 chance he (or she) reads your post.

For people who aren’t white: this is Wes Anderson.

2. Strangest Request

This one’s a tie between the two following completely innocuous titles:

“Trample me!” and the ever-popular “Let’s Make a Baby!”

The first one comes from a 26-year-old guy who, for whatever reason, really wants someone to violently stomp the living hell out of his chest and stomach. Preferably someone who is male and between the ages of 18 and 26. I’d imagine that since he actually posted this TWICE in the month of July, he’s pretty serious about it… but if I were him, I would be less concerned about the age of the person in question and more concerned about their weight.

The second one comes from a 46-year-old man who is looking for a woman who doesn’t want a husband, but would really like to play the part of baby factory. “Let me provide you with something that a sperm donor can’t”, he says unreservedly. Maybe he’s just trying to find a more appealing way of saying “Let’s spoink!!”, but my intuition tells me that if he’s 46, single, and posting this anonymously on Craigslist he’s probably not the genetic cream of the crop. Otherwise he might have had kids of his own already.

Apparently, since these posts both appear in the “simply platonic” section, trampling people and making babies is a strictly platonic affair. No strings attached, baby.

3. Best “WTF” Post

This one, found in the missed connections section, seems out-of-place at first glance. The title “Married you at murder creek” seems to suggest that this is a case of a missing person rather than a missed connection. Upon further investigation, though, it just makes no sense:

“you were at that wedding at the beach. i was too. we briefly had a baby, married at murder creek, divorced, went our separate ways. wondering where you ended up. think about you daily.”

First of all… how exactly does one “briefly” have a baby? Secondly, if you were married to the person isn’t there a more direct way of contacting them than the most confusing, miscategorized Craigslist post ever?

Included in the post is a picture, presumably to more accurately remind the missing ex-spouse of their poetically named wedding locale.

No wonder she divorced him.

4. Best Picture

I didn’t backtrack to check the source, but apparently someone photographed the sluttiest doll ever at a Toys-R-Us in Hoover. Oddly enough it seems to be dressed in UA memorabilia…

What can we say? Sex sells.

5. Best Group/Gathering

Something very horrifying is plaguing the children of today’s society. It is so serious that it afflicts basically every child that has ever lived in the history of mankind… (yes, that includes you)… and there’s a group that is going to do something about it.

The affliction is incontinence. (Better known to most as bedwetting.)

The group is a self-proclaimed incontinence support group. It is found in the childcare section, and seeks stories and ideas on how to “treat” the affliction. “If you were a bedwetter in the 40’s, 50’s or 60’s we want to hear your stories about how bedwetting was treated back then,” they say.

This isn’t really about the group itself, but more about the fact that they put out a Craigslist post entitled “Bedwetting Stories Needed”. They probably got a lot of responses. Sadly, my guess would be that none of them weren’t too terribly helpful.

It’s okay, little Timmy. I wouldn’t go in this toilet either.

6. Best Ad.

In the artists section, there is a self-described “artistic pole dancer” giving lessons. Does anything else really need to be said? If so, the picture says it all :

Can this really be considered “art”?

7. Best Overall

This one is the big kahuna. It takes the cake for “wtf?!” factor, absolute hilarity, and probably envy on the part of many of our male readers. This post appears in the missed connections section, but it’s also posted here in its entirety because it’s just that good. No amount of sarcastic commentary could possibly do this one justice:

“To the woman who handcuffed me last night”

“First off i would like to appoligize for breaking your bed frame, in retrospect it was excessive. I am willing to pay for the damages that i caused, but in my defense when a person who blacked out the night before wakes up in hand cuffs and duct tape on his mouth, what do you really expect to happen? I would recommend that you not do this to someone else. I felt a real connection as our eyes connected, as I bolted from your room, I believe the adernaline was the factor that made me not stop and talk to you, yes you looked cute in my shirt but something about using real handcuffs make a guy wonder she is either real kinky or she is going to kill me (one thing i didnt think of is you could be a cop which would really be hot too) But that brings me to the embaressing point of do you know how shameful it is to have to ask a police officer if he could uncuff you, which they will not do that without a good explaination, which the cop thought i was messing with him. But anyway i would like to maybe get some coffee or meet at some public place, then you can explain your side of the story. Please bring my shirt and shoes and i will give you back your cuffs.”

There is only one more thing that can be said for this guy.

Click the image and go ahead and do it, you know you want to

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